The problem with NFP, is the comboxes.
…and the Facebook posts.
I saw this firsthand and report it to you in goodwill.
See, somewhere on the internet there is an article about NFP and the “incomprehensible suffering” it has caused a faceless person.
What ensued, oddly, was the examination of how NFP could possibly considered “incomprehensible suffering” by anyone in this, the coddled and wealthy United States.
Discussion ensued, and a general consensus was come to as to how NFP could be considered suffering. There were some very specific scenarios mentioned and in the name of prudence and charity, I will omit them from this post. Suffice it to say, one could have to made a short checklist, of sorts, as to what possibly maybe could be considered suffering if you practice NFP.
Still, no one could quite come to the consensus that “incomprehensible suffering” is a justified term.
All of this, of course, misses the point entirely. It shouldn’t be if or if not NFP can be considered “incomprehensible suffering.” Our response should be, “Why is it NFP has caused you incomprehensible suffering, and how might I lift your burden?”
Servais Pinckaers, in his book “Morality: The Catholic View,” would have us pause and take a look at our distorted view of morality. That is, a short while after the middle ages, “obedience to law encroached upon charity and the virtues” and has turned the whole thing on it’s head. The result is that now we are imposing a finite set of rules – and checklists – to our morality. In reality, morality is a condition of the heart, inextricable from our happiness.
That’s what we are seeing here. NFP isn’t a law to be followed. To use Pinckaers phrase, it’s an act of “freedom, for excellence.”
The truth is I can’t know the heart of the person who found NFP to be such a burden. Maybe they are conflating difficulty with suffering. Or freedom to act as we will with difficulty. I just don’t know. And I owe it to this person to approach her with charity and mercy.
Combox commenters, and armchair NFP practitioners owe this poor woman the same charity and the same mercy.
Who are we to judge?
Unfortunately, that isn’t the only aspect of NFP that complete strangers deem appropriate to discuss and advise on the internet. Both hostile and “well-meaning” advice has been given on any number of aspects of natural family planning. Suffering or no? Is this really taking a toll on your marriage, or no? Are you allowed to use NFP as birth control? Is that even possible? Oh yes, my friends. We even want to discuss what being “open to life” means and then to dictate to others what “grave circumstances” are.
I watched, incredulous but helpless as someone dictated that money should never play into a decision that has to do with life. Even if that means your family is stretched to the edges. Just keep having children the community will provide for you.
Likewise, I watched a commenter assert to a woman that “not wanting” another child shouldn’t be a factor in any decision to have another child. As if “not wanting” another child automatically excludes any other valid reasons of “grave circumstance” that – gasp – the couple hasn’t shared publicly. Or that any decision a couple came to today or tomorrow or next week is necessarily a decision to be abided by for the rest of their married lives.
Or that it was any of the commenter’s business.
Not only is not up to us to decide whether or not our fellow Catholics should or should not have more children, but in all of the examples above the dictates were merely demands placed unfairly upon the back of a fellow Christian, insisting he or she follow some unwritten “law” about NFP. None of the demands take into consideration the heart of a very real person trying to come to terms with pursuing virtue. Or that often times this pursuit is a gradual process.
And that Jesus said his yoke was easy and his burden light.
Can the same be true of what we are exacting from our fellow pilgrims?
The way a person practices NFP isn’t our business. We don’t need to be privy to what goes on behind someone’s bedroom door. And we certainly aren’t in a position to tell them why they aren’t practicing NFP as well as they should or could. Which is to say, we aren’t our brother’s confessor.
This is hard for us, I know. We are faithful Catholics who want to encourage our brothers and sisters on the best way forward. We often think we know most because of our experience. That because we are a long-term Catholic/cradle Catholic/inspired convert/on fire revert/NFP instructor we are in a position to give NFP advice over the internet; in a combox of a blog post, or in replies on a Facebook link.
But we truly aren’t a confessor. We can’t possibly know the nuances of anyone’s faith or relationships. And even if we did, it doesn’t grant us the right to judge another man’s soul. Or that of his wife’s.
Being faithful Catholics should drive us toward charity, acted out in mercy.
Let’s pick up our brother’s cross and try to lift it. Offer to carry it, even for a short distance. Or, turn away if you must.
But for Heaven’s sake, can we put away the hammer and nails?
I’m outing myself by commenting here. I really had no thought that my FB comment would be seen by so many, which is probably a good thing because I might have chickened out posting it if I had. My original intent in replying on the thread was to highlight that the practice of NFP causes suffering more than just that caused by periodic abstinence. I was bothered by the assumption that those who found NFP a hardship were labeled as “horndogs” who felt entitled to the marital act whenever the mood struck. I’m not saying that periodic abstinence is not suffering, and for some those periods of abstinence are particularly long and particularly difficult, but there is more to the practice of NFP. I thought by personally highlighting more of my suffering the commentators might be open to seeing that the use of NFP can cause suffering they had not considered. Some examples are defending criticism from those who feel the practice of NFP in life or death circumstances is selfish or stupid, or constantly second guessing ambiguous fertility signs and constantly worrying you’ll make a mistake, just to name a few I deal with personally. I’m not sure I succeeded, but there are many difficulties that arise whenever we sincerely try to live out Church teaching and sometimes we need to consider that others have a different experience than our own.
In this post you do a more articulate job of highlighting my second problem with the thread, that of faceless people trying to impose stringent definitions of suffering without a thought of encouraging brothers and sisters. I in no way want to suggest that I have endured “incomprehensible suffering” due to practicing NFP. I’m well aware of the plight of those less fortunate (children languishing and starving in orphanages in foreign countries immediately comes to mind), but as Catholics we should not be engaging in verbal spats over whose cross is big enough to warrant our empathy. Simply because we live semi-charmed lives here in suburbia does not leave us immune to suffering. It is perhaps a different kind of suffering, and sometimes I know I need a better perspective of the suffering I endure, but it is unfair and uncharitable for us to turn and say something along the lines of, “You call *that* suffering. Just go take a cold shower and get over yourself.”
St. Therese wrote, “He willed to create great souls comparable to lilies and roses, but He has created smaller ones and these must be content to be daisies or violets destined to give joy to God’s glances when He looks down at His feet. Perfection consists in doing His will, in being what He wills us to be.” These smaller daisies and violets like myself may find incomprehensible suffering in NFP because of our own littleness. This should not be cause for scoffing, but rather a rallying cry for encouragement and support, especially from our own Catholic community– even a virtual community.
FWIW, I thought you incredibly brave posting to that thread. Not that you need me to validate your posting. And I didn’t mean to imply that you were helping to create the checklist. I DID understand what you were doing, but somehow the larger point was lost on the group discussion. My sincerest apologies if I in anyway offended you as that was the farthest from my mind. I wouldn’t ever hurt you, friend.
I think you are correct to say that just because we live “semi-charmed” lives, doesn’t mean we don’t experience suffering. A different kind, for sure. But not without cause, and certainly it isn’t cause for scoffing.
On a side note, I am discovering that I completely misunderstood St. Therese for the longest time. Your quote confirms it. And if you consider yourself small, like a daisy or a violet, know that you are among the beautiful flowers that soften other’s paths around you.
Can I not just like, but LOVE this? The problem is so much deeper than just NFP. It is about our communities and how easy it is to discourage each other, in the name of God, holiness, etc.
Well done. As was your initial comment, Nikki. It was beautiful, thoughtful, and kind. Just like you.
Blessings,
You two are both too kind. I took no offense and appreciated you putting into words thoughts I had, but couldn’t seem to communicate, especially as clearly as you did in this beautiful post. Hearing your take on NFP only helps to give perspective. I’m not sure I was brave as much as naive in my original post, but I have been thankful for the support of friends who saw the post and I hope it encourages the thoughtfulness you’ve shown in this blog post.
The struggles of this year have consistently shown me how small I am, at first this was overwhelming. However, I find profound comfort and encouragement in St. Therese’s words, because far from telling us our crosses are too small to be burdensome, she encourages us to pick them up however small and to use them to bring glory to God.